Rachel Hollis asked her followers yesterday, “who do you want to be in 2019?” And for a second I got defeated by the question. I used to think I had clarity but I actually had hopes. Hope is not a strategy. Hoping for my bills to be paid or for my dream car to appear in my driveway was never going to work… and last week I was super hard on myself. I felt sorry for myself instead of empowering myself. I let the cruel game of comparison steal all my joy and little accomplishments thus far. To be completely honest, I started to not care. I truly don’t share this for sympathy. I share this because for the past 6 months I’ve lied to myself. I told myself affirmations, I did not believe. I was positive for other people, but was tearing myself up over every shortcoming. But how stupid is that? How silly was I to not believe that I was truly capable of an exceptional life? How silly am I to think I was put on this earth to live a mundane life? For this year I have BIG dreams and goals! It’s time to cut the crap. I want so much more for myself and my family that my intentions will surpass every excuse. I love the new year. Like mildly obsessed with the outpouring amount of new beginnings. So here is my plan of action for 2019…
Consistency: This may sound like a strange resolution but I just want to be more consistent. I have struggled my whole life with not seeing instant results and just given up on everything. Ive lived in complacency my entire life. I never pursued bigger dreams or wanted more for myself. So you may wonder, how in the heck will being more consistent play into all of this? Well, in my perfect world, consistency is the answer to everything. It’s also what’s stopping me from being everything I want to be. Consistency opens every door and allows me to become someone I’ve always wanted to be.
Grow the following: when I was 20 I left to live in San Francisco to pursue my dreams in the fashion industry. I majored in fashion marketing and management and thought I was going to be so successful because (and not to toot my own horn) I was damn good at fashion. And not just styling pieces… I love the logistical aspect. I was obsessed with conceptualizing new ideas for clothing brands and hypothetically creating marketing strategies for huge brands. I unfortunately left school to purse my business degree instead because I was pregnant with Zooey. I willingly walked away from the most important thing in my life to pursue an even bigger and more important part of my life, becoming a mom… but I never stopped thinking about my time at the Art Institute. This all plays into where I’m at today in my journey. I’m sharing this story because at 30 I had planned to be a buyer for Nordstrom and travel the world. I had hopes and dreams. All of which were redirected when I had Zooey. This is why now, more than ever, I just want to be successful with the blog and my following on Instagram. I want to show all of you that behind my photos, there was once a girl who wanted so much more for herself. And I will become the woman I had always hoped to be.
Overcome a fear: man oh man do I have fears. Fears of not being good enough. Fears of flying. Fears of failing. Fears of just about everything. This year I want to step out of my comfort zone and let go of some fears that are holding me back in life. I developed a lot of fears when I became a mom. I’ll never forget the first glance of a woman staring at me with the most judgmental expression ever when I took Zooey out by myself for the first time at 2 months old. She made me second guess everything and it’s why 7 years later I still think about it. That lady would never know it or probably not even care but I let her perceptions of me dictate how society wanted me to be a mom. I want to let go of the fears of disappointing myself for the satisfaction of others. I want to overcome obstacles that scare the living crap out of me and enable me from being the best version of myself.
Time management: I’m the worst at this and I so badly need to be better. I spend way to much time on my phone or doing mindless tasks that really bring me zero joy. I just want to be more intentional with my time this year. I can’t be the person I want to be if I’m constantly wasting my time. I have a pretty decent morning routine, but I sometimes watch TV before the girls wake up and then forget to put my make up on and mornings have now become a flipping shit show because I didn’t manage my time! I refuse to keep doing that. I have a few friends who get ready immediately when they wake up and I’ve always envied them haha but it makes so much sense! So on the days we have plans or I have work, you bet your but I’ll be ready before everyone else. I also want to find better ways to manage my family time. We are in such a funk during the night because of homework, making dinner, getting ready for bed, relaxing after kids are asleep, or sometimes being thrown off if one of us has a work obligation. I’m going to stop feeding the time wasters and focus more on things that bring me joy.
Self care: I try my hardest to do this but I only do it once I’ve hit my breaking point. I juggle work, home life, mom duties and all the curve balls life throws but I do not take time from each day for myself. Before having Rory I was really good as this but I also wasn’t working and I didn’t have a newborn dictating my schedule (she never took a bottle and I was at her beck and call for an entire year). It was easy to make the excuse to fall off the wagon but that was so unlike me. I made the time to do nights with girlfriends or get my daily work out in. I no longer make those a priority and it truly affects me in the worst ways. Working out is my stress reliever. It’s my 45 min break from everything. And it’s my time to just focus on ME. I also want to take care of myself in other ways though. I want to spend more time doing what makes me happy instead of what makes others happy. I really really struggle with being a people pleaser and I’ve always hated that about myself. I’ve always told myself it’s fine to be that way even though it slowly kills my soul. I understand how deep and dark that may sound but I have to be real with myself and what’s holding me back from being the best version of me.
Health conscious: let’s be honest, we all have this as a resolution but we fail to execute it after January. I’m not saying I’m going back to 6 meals a day along with a gallon of water but I am going to stop putting garbage in my body. I have the most sensitive stomach on earth. Like literally haven’t eaten cheese in over 8 years. I know what my body hates and sometimes I slip, but I sure do pay for it in the worst way. I will add more greens and less meat because I’m also trying to find more ways to eliminate my meat intake. I’ve recently had the strangest aversions to chicken and it’s been pretty hard to stay on track with my diet. So my basic plan is more greens and less meat. Oh and let’s talk about alcohol… it’s become a daily occurrence and it needs to stop. Dear baby Jesus please that the wheel because I am the mom of young kids and some days it’s a necessity to make it through the night with an adult beverage. So I’d rather just limit myself to drinking a few on the weekends and feeling so much better because of it.
Plan out the life I love: so remember when I said Rachel Hollis asked the question, “who do you wanna be in 2019?” Well I want to be a lot of things. I want to be a successful blogger. I want to be an exceptional mother and wife. I want to be confident. I want to stop comparing my life to others. I want to stop apologizing for being me. But I mostly want to be happy. This is me and I’m really tired of feeling like I’m not enough. I’m almost 30 years old and I’m done feeling like I owe everyone everything.
If you’ve read this far, you’re pretty awesome and we should be best friends haha. I seriously needed to be insanely transparent this year, but I’m also holding a few things back that I feel like I need to keep personal and near and dear to me. I hope you all have the best year. And I hope you will continue to follow me along this year because I’m pretty great haha! Xoxo
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